You don’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need. I wanted love but needed it to be simple, nothing complicated. I wanted a relationship but needed one that wouldn’t consume my life. I wanted to be someone’s everything but I needed to make time for myself. Luckily Joseph was all of this for me. We were there for each other but gave each other space. We loved being together but didn’t fall to pieces when we were apart. We shared each others hopes and dreams but knew to keep our heads in reality. Our relationship was what most people would describe as healthy. Never having been in a relationship like that it was a strange thing to get used to. I small part of me dreaded the day that a found evidence of cheating. And whenever we went out to eat I was convinced we’d run into an ex that Joseph would suddenly realize he still loved or if I’m being honest one of mine too. But overall I just let myself enjoy my new relationship. I rarely thought about the day it would all be over because like another popular song says love hurts.
I’m a firm believer in quality over quantity. I’d much rather have one impeccable Dooney and Burke bag over a dozen average Guess bags. I’d be happy spending a lot of money on a steak dinner and starving for the rest of the week then eating a quarter pounder from McDonalds each meal. This logic also applied when it came to friends. Growing up I wasn’t the most popular girl. That’s not to say I was a social outcast, I just rather spend my time with a close knit group of friends then be another face in a crowd of acquaintances. Like so many people do I had a best friend growing up. Her name was Dara and we did everything together. We spent hours setting up our barbies only to play with them for 5 minutes. We lived at each others houses, knowing exactly where each one kept the good snacks. We spoke in a language that only the two of us understood. She was more then my best friend, she was my other half. She was my first and until recently my only relationship I could always relay on. The thing about friendships, especially ones that start so early in life, is that they never stay the same. People grow up, move on. You no longer live around the corner from each other. Cities and oceans now are between you. Talking everyday now becomes catching up once a week. Your lives become separate, going in different paths. It’s a part of growing up that’s hard but unavoidable. But if your lucky like me you still have that person who speaks your language. That no matter the distance you always remain close. And sometimes you find out in an email that that physical distance is about to get a whole lot smaller because your best friend is moving to San Myshuno!
Since moving to San Myshuno my focus had been on boys. That was never the plan. I never wanted to be the girl who forsaked her friends the second she got a boyfriend. A girl who felt having a boyfriend was all she needed. Someone who didn’t see the need for girl friends or any friends for that matter as long as she had love in her life. But life doesn’t always go as planned. With each guy I dated I pushed the few friends I had away. Yes I had Ryan but we rarely saw each other during that crazy period of my life. And when we did we mostly talked about the guy or guys that I thought I was in love with. Then there was Lilith. I had met her during that same time. She was the fun, sometimes wild influence I needed to balance out my life at the time. But the truth is I really don’t know her that well. It’s my own fault for not taking the time to get to know her. I was so focused on the craziness that was my life I never gave our friendship the time it deserved to develop. Now that my life seems to be in a state of calmness it was time to re-prioritize. I vowed to focus more of my attention on building those new friendships and to maintain my old ones. Since my best friend had moved into the city I decided it best to start there.
There was a time in my early twenties when I was invisible to boys. This was way after Oscar and years before Chris. I didn’t fully understand it. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying I should have had men line up around the block to date me, apparently that would happen later in life. I know I wasn’t the most beautiful girl in the world but I was a semi attractive girl who was easy going, could hold a conversation and liked to have a laugh. You would have thought I would have had at least one guy interested. No matter what I did I couldn’t get a guy to so much as look at me let alone ask me out on a date. My nights were spent watching whatever Netflix dvd I had gotten from my list(these were the days before streaming was an option) and eating a dinner of cup of noodles for one. To put it in comic book terms I was kryptonite to men. Then came Chris. It was almost like my stock tripled after dating him. Like I went from being a level one Mage to a level 25 full blown Wizard overnight. After breaking up with Chris men seemed to flock to me. Of course I wanted nothing to do with them as is the usual feeling after such a crippling break up. I figured it was just a phase. That like my drought in my twenties, this surplus of boys wouldn’t last. Whatever spell I was somehow magically casting would wear off and I would be back to being invisible. I’m now in my late twenties and I still seem to be a magnet to men. Whether it be checking out a local food truck, trying out a karaoke spot on my own or having a few drinks with an old friend, the guys just can’t stay away. If you asked younger me how I would feel about that I would have said make sure you get their numbers. Now I’m just praying for a cloak of invisibility like Harry Potter.
I’ve mentioned before how much I love karaoke but I never explained where the whole not liking to sing for strangers came from. It all stemmed from one moment from my childhood. I guess that’s a bit cliche. Some traumatizing memory from our past shaping the way we react to that situation in the future. Now that I think about it I have many of those. But I’ll just focus on the one about my fear of performing in public. I’ve enjoying singing since I was little. My mom says that I used to belt out all the hymns when I was four at church. I knew none of the words and was certainly not in tune but that didn’t stop me from doing what I loved. When I was around nine I joined my churches choir. It was one of those churches where the choir sang up near the organ in the loft. We were hidden from view and it was perfect. The choir was for all ages, so I sang along with twelve year olds, a few girls in their twenties and a handful of middle aged women looking for their American Idol moment. My love of singing started in that choir. So did my habit of being part of a crowd. The comfortable feeling of never wanting to stand out. The spotlight and I were not friends and I was happy keeping it that way. Then came the day when the choir director was dishing out solos. Of course I didn’t want one, blending in was my happy place. I grew up during a time where being fair to everyone was becoming the new trend. Because of that my choir director thought the only fair thing was to make everyone try out for a solo. Those days of being out of tune were gone. It was easy to hide this fact when singing with the others but once on my own I could no longer keep my secret…that I could actually sing. Needless to say my time hiding in the shadows were over. Once it was discovered I could sing and not just that, that I was good, I was pushed into the spotlight. I was featured at all the big services, Easter, Christmas, even funerals. My parents bragged to anyone who would listen about their little angel in the choir. Those twelve year olds, twenty year olds and especially those middle aged women were sick of the attention I was getting. Truth be told they weren’t the only ones. I hated every minute of it. Something that I used to love doing was turning into something I dreaded. I was tired of the spotlight and not to long after I decided to step out of it. From that moment on singing became something I did only for myself. I became my only audience, I took back the thing I loved. These days the only singing I do in pubic are for slightly drunk people, mostly middle aged woman who are looking for their American Idol moments.
People tend to have a checklist for their life. For example being married by a certain age or topping your career while you’re still young enough to reap the benefits. I too have written a check list for my life. Number one be in a healthy uncomplicated loving relationship. That’s a check. Maintaining friendships, old and new. That’s a check in progress. My final item on my list is to write something brilliant. Something that would change the world. Ok maybe not the world but at least have the impact to change someone’s life. Sadly that is not something I can check off quite yet. My advertorials are certainly not going to win me any awards and fill my life with substance. I had a brief moment a few months back when I thought I would have been able to check off this sooner rather then later. A publisher had written back that they liked the sample of my book I was writing. Sadly they weren’t as excited when I spoke to them. They told me my story was too far fetched and not something they felt readers could relate to. How do you react to someone telling you your life sounds made up? That all the experiences you’ve been through couldn’t possibly have really happened. The funniest thing about it all is I changed all the names and places in my journal to make it more believable. I thought if I kept Chris and Henry and Jason as themselves for sure no one would believe this to be a story based on truth. Even I have a hard time believing it sometimes. But if I took away the guys superpowers and portrayed them in there secret identity form surely my story is believable. But if the made up version of my life doesn’t sound real what does that say about my actual life?
When things seem perfect is when life throws you a curve ball. That monkey wrench that’s only propose is to make things interesting. Like when you take the time to preheat your shower to the perfect temperature only for it to change to ice cold 5 seconds after you get in. Then there’s the time you have a moment of total inspiration but lose it by the time you get to the canvas. Or when you’re trying to be healthy and choose that apple over the bag of cookies only to find out the apple is rotten and to make matters worse you’re all out of cookies.
But the worst curve ball has to be when you find out that you may have been living across the hall from the man of your dreams at the same time you are currently dating the guy who you thought may finally be your Mr.Right. How does life expect you to do anything but strike out?
If you’d like to download any of the characters or builds you see in this story I will post the links to them below, along with a great big thank you to the creators!
Erin created by swcheppes
Jospeh Gordon Levitt originally created by Snorkas, downloaded aiqueabsurdo (I’ve given him a bit of a makeover compared to the downloaded version)
Chris Evans created by yddam98