Superfan: I’m baccck! Did you miss me?
Superfan: Chris Harrison was busy so the producers asked me to fill in for him.
Superfan: Ok maybe they didn’t so much as ask as I begged them to let me do this. Either way I’m here and you guys are in for one hell of a night. We have all the losers, I mean eliminated guys here tonight. They are ready to tell their side of the story. Marie broke a few hearts so I’m sure they have a lot to say. Maybe we’ll even get some tears, fingers crossed. Let’s go say hi to the fellas.
Superfan: Say hi boys.
Guys: Hi….ugh superfan.
Superfan: Surprisingly you guys clean up well. Are you ready to share your secrets with the world?
Abu: I can’t wait to get my chance to….
Superfan: Oh I forgot you were here Abu. I guess you weren’t standing out, just like you did or should I say didn’t do all season. Anyway it’s not like you’re good with sharing your secrets. Am I right though.
Abu: Was there really no one else they could have gotten to host this thing? They were really scrapping the bottom of the barrel with you.
Pongo: I think what Abu was trying to say is it’s great to see you here and we’re all really excited to get this thing started.
Superfan: It’s nice to see that at least one gentlemen showed up tonight. Thank you Pongo. Let’s get this started.
Superfan: LJ you’re up first, follow me.
Superfan: It was no surprise that you were the first one eliminated this season. You’re probably the most boring bachelor they’ve ever had on the show. Why are you so boring?
LJ: Wow that was incredibly insulting and not true. I don’t think I’m boring at all. It was the first week and there were so many guys. It was hard to stand out right away. Had I gotten some more time you would have seen just how fun and exciting I am.
Superfan: Yeah I highly doubt that. Anyway there’s a very important question Bachelor nation wants to know. What was up with the turtle neck? You do realize it’s not 1995. Only out of style dads and Steve Jobs wore turtle necks. Do you see yourself as an out of style dad, because we all know you don’t have the smarts to be a Steve Jobs.
LJ: Geeze with these questions! Can you be anymore rude. I’m starting to think Abu was right about the bottom of the barrel with you.
Superfan: Yeah I’m done with you now….NEXT!
LJ: :::hushed::: Good luck to you guys. That girl is insane.
Pongo: I think we all got off on the wrong foot here. Let’s hit rewind and start this over.
Pongo: Like I tell my kids it’s never to late to set things right. You always get at least one do over.
Superfan: Like the do over you want with your wife and kids who you abandoned to be on this show. Like that kind of do over Pongo? Why don’t you have a seat and we can discuss that.
Pongo: :::hushed::: You’re right this chick is nuts.
Superfan: Since you brought it up lets talk about your ex wife. How long were you guys separated for before you decided to join this show?
Pongo: If you’re implying I left my wife to be on this show you’d be wrong. I had been with my ex since high school. We got married right after we graduated and had our first kid shortly after that. We were still kids ourselves. After a few years and a few more kids all we did was fight. We were miserable. It wasn’t the kind of environment for kids to be growing up in. I didn’t want to put them through that. The split was mutual and it happened well before I even thought about doing this show. Does that answer your question?
Superfan: Wow where was this fired up Pongo on the show. He would have had my vote! I really appreciate you’re honesty. I grew up in a house where my parents were constantly fighting and you’re right it was no fun. I think what you did was the right choice. No one has ever doubted that you love your kids tremendously. They are very lucky to have you as their father. Speaking of kids just how many do you have?
Pongo: Thank you for that. Being a good father is the most important thing to me. I have 6 kids, two boys and four girls. They range from ten all the way down to two. They are my whole world.
Pongo: Here let me show you some pictures of them
Pongo: That’s Randolph, we call him Rolo because he’s a little round around the edges. That’s Luke. He’s my lucky charm.
Pongo: And these beauties here are my twin girls Pepper and Penny. They look just like their mother.
Superfan: Speaking of your ex wife we have a little surprise for you. Your ex wife, Perdita is here. Come on out Perdita.
Perdita: When they called me to come I didn’t think it was the best idea. What girl wants to hear about her ex’s love life, especially with the whole world watching. But after I thought about it I realized I needed to hear all of this. If we stand any chance of getting back together I had to know the truth.
Superfan: Us girls are going to have a little chat. Pongo, you can go back and join the guys.
Pongo: I don’t know if I like this. Perdita you don’t have to answer anything you don’t feel comfortable with. In fact maybe it’s best if you don’t say anything at all.
Superfan: Don’t be so silly Pongo. I won’t bite. Now shoo!
Superfan: I’m sorry but I have to state the obvious, what was Pongo thinking leaving you. You’re gorgeous! Like seriously you could be a model. And you had six kids, impossible.
Perdita: Aren’t you sweet. Pongo got it all right before, we rushed into everything. We were so young. It was never just us. We never got to be a couple, to work all that stuff out before throwing kids in the mix. I love my kids dearly but if I did it all over again I would have waited to have them. If we had Pongo and I probably would be at home sitting on our couch watching this instead of airing out our relationship problems on national television.
Superfan: I can’t imagine how difficult it was you to sit by and watch the father of your children falling for someone else. It must have tore you up. I know it were me I don’t think I could ever take the guy back.
Superfan: I know he’s the father of your children and you guys have a history but can you really trust that he wouldn’t do this to you again?
Superfan: You have anything you want to say over there Pongo?
Pongo: Perdi I know I messed up. I felt like we weren’t on the same page any more. I mean we never talked unless it had to do with the kids. You could barely stand to be in the same room as me. I didn’t know what else to do. It felt like you didn’t even like me anymore let alone love me.
Perdita: How do you think I felt when you told me you were coming on this show? A show looking for love. I’ll admit things weren’t good….they were down right awful but I thought we were going to work on it. Never for one second did I stop loving you.
Pongo: I’m sorry Perdi. I should have never put you through this, put our kids through this. It was stupid of me to come on this show looking for love. I was never going to find it here because you’re the love of my life. It’s always been you.
Pongo: I know I don’t deserve it but will you give me a second chance? Can we be a family again?
Superfan: I guess that’s a yes. I bet it never felt so good to be a loser huh Pongo? But seriously I’m so happy for you guys. It’s clear to anyone with half a brain, and yes I mean even you Abu, that you two were meant to be. Ok enough mushy stuff it’s time to get back to the reason were here to find out why none of these guys were able to find love. I think up next let’s have Flounder join me. Can we make sure there’s extra tissues on hand, he’s a bit of a cryer.
Flounder: Nope there will be no tears here. I’ve had plenty of time to get over Marie. I’m completely ok with how everything turned out.
Superfan: Really so you’re ok with being the frontrunner for most of the competition only to self destruct in the last few weeks. Destroying you’re chance with a girl you yourself said you were in love with.
Flounder: You’re not going to get me to react. I told you I’m over Marie 100 percent. I wan’t nothing but the best for her and Max or Bagheera. Sure I could have seen a forever with her, she’s the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. But totally over her. Yup so over her.
Superfan: I have to say I’m pretty impressed with you Flounder. You’re taking this much better then I thought. I mean realistically this was probably your only real chance of finding love. What girl’s going to want to date you now after you came off as such a whiny insecure cry baby. Even Mr. snoresville over there has a better chance of finding his soulmate then you do.
Flounder: Oh my god you’re right. No one is ever going to love me again. Who am I kidding Marie probably never loved me at all. WHY AM I SO UNLOVEABLE!!!! I’m going to die alone.
Superfan: There’s the Flounder we all remember.
Flounder: You really are not a nice person.
Superfan: Coming from you I’ll take that as a compliment. Now get out of here so I can talk to a real man.
Rafiki: Hey Flounder you’re going to have to move. I think it’s my turn to talk to this lovely lady.
Rafiki: Tough luck about the nobody loving you thing.
Superfan: Finally someone worth talking to. Rafiki you were one of my favorites and I was shocked that Marie let you go. Though her lose is my gain.
Rafiki: No one was more shocked then I was. Marie and my auras were a perfect match. She’s not going to find that with anyone else. Do you know how rare that is to find?
Superfan: I honestly have no idea. It seemed like you and Marie were going all the way to the end. Can you think of anything you might have done that would have changed Marie’s feelings for you? Because I can’t. From where I’m sitting you look perfect.
Rafiki: Me either! We had this insane connection throughout the entire game. The amount of times our souls were intertwined with each with ridiculous. And the sex, my god our sex was mind blowing. I mean there’s no way Maximus or Bagheera could do to her the things I was doing.
Superfan: I’d love for you to show me sometime. Purely for research purposes.
Rafiki: You’re aura is kind of all over the place, it’s a bit of a mess. But if it’s in the name of science how can I not.
Superfan: Well it looks like we’re wrapping things up here. Rafiki and I have some experimenting to do. But before we go I want to give you a teaser of what’s coming next season.
Superfan: As I mentioned earlier Chris Harrison couldn’t be here and how lucky were you guys that you got me as a host. Anyway the reason he wasn’t here is because he’s busy filming season five of the bachelor/bachelorette. And what a season it will be! The show wanted to do something special for season five, as they should, so they are going big. There’s not one, not two but a bunch of bachelors this season. But it’s not just bachelors, there’s a whole slue of bachelorettes too. In fact the whole cast is. How is that possible you ask, well that’s because season five is called Bachelor In Paradise: Disney Edition. The cast isn’t just looking for love with one person they will have options. Oh and that cast is going to be all old contestants they you know and love, maybe a few you hate. We can’t get into all the details now but I can show you the logo that will have you guessing who’s coming back. So here’s your exclusive first look at season five Bachelor In Paradise: Disney Edition!
Superfan: How good does that look! I know I can’t wait to watch. I hope you’ll tune in too. Well that’s all for tonight. It’s been fun living out my bachelor fantasy and I’m off to live out a whole other kind of fantasy. Thanks for watching I’m….
Abu: Hey what about me? You never called me up to chat. I thought we were all getting our chance to speak.
Rafiki: Here buddy have a seat. And you miss, know where to find me after the show.
Superfan: We wanted the show to be entertaining Abu. That’s just not a word anyone has ever used to describe you. But now that you ruined everything you might as well sit down and bore us with your story.
Abu: What is your problem with me? I barely know you and the two times we’ve talked you’ve been nothing but a bitch.
Superfan: I don’t know why I wouldn’t like someone who just called me a bitch. I must be crazy. You’re the model of a perfect gentleman…not!
Abu: You are crazy! You literally make no sense. You’ve been awful to everyone here except the one guy who you want to lay and is probably just as crazy as you. I’m so happy this is all done with. I’m seriously losing my mind here.
Superfan: Oh sweetie you’d have to have something there first in order to lose it.
Abu: That’s it if you’re not going to ask me any questions about my time in the house I’m out of here. I hope to god I never see you again.
Superfan: Here’s a question for you why are you such a loser?
Abu: This changes nothing. I still think you’re completely crazy and make no sense. I don’t even know your name.
Superfan: And I still think you’re a pathetic loser. Now shut up and kiss me.
Superfan: My name’s Sofia by the way.
Superfan/Sofia: Ok it’s time to really end this before something even crazier happens. Though I have no idea what could top that. Let’s try this for a second time thanks for watching, I’m Sofia but you can call me superfan, it’s been fun! Don’t forget to tune in next week for the season finale, when we’ll finally find out who Marie has chosen and who’s heart she’ll be breaking.
Superfan/Sofia: And who knew Abu could kiss like that. Marie really screwed the pooch on the one!