A few things about the truth, it hurts, it will set you free, it’s overrated. Many super heroes live and die upholding the truth. That raises the question is it ever ok to lie and if so when? As kids we are told not to lie if we do our nose will grow and stay like that forever. As we get older we learn that little white lies are ok. The ones that spare someone’s feelings. Like of course you don’t look fat in that dress or no bangs really work for you, they don’t make you look like you have no forehead at all. When we reach adulthood lying almost becomes second nature. We lie to our work on those days when it’s just too nice out to be stuck inside working. We lie to ourselves convinced we will one day fit into a size 4 jeans again. And sadly we lie to the ones we love or could be falling in love with. We don’t want to lie to them but we don’t want to hurt them either. Remember what I said before about the truth, it hurts.
My life at times reads like a comic book but at this moment it was something a little more like classic fiction. How many of your are familiar with the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Here’s the CliffNotes version. There’s this guy who is living essentially a double life. By day he’s normally the mild manner scientist Dr. Jekyll. Living his life for good, trying to leave his mark in a positive way. At night though Mr. Hyde is let loose. That part of you who is a little bit wild and doesn’t answer to anyone. He spends the whole book struggling to find which one of these men he truly is. He wants to be the good but fears he’s truly the bad. It’s a struggle I’d say most people deal with. I know I was. My good was that I was seeing an amazing man. A man that was making it possible for me to forget my ex who had made me think it was impossible to feel like this ever again. A man who I knew if I let my walls down would be the next love of my life. But with the good comes the bad and that bad was 6’4, sexy as hell and really good in bed. That man was the fun I had been missing recently in my life. He was someone who allowed me to take life less seriously, to let my hair down and enjoy who I was. If you have read Jekyl and Hyde then you know how it ends, even if you don’t you can guess it wasn’t happy. As I said before my life was reading like that story.
There are certain moments you remember all of your life. The first time I walked into a comic book store is one of those moments. I still remember how that store smelled. It was a sort of musty cardboard smell mixed with a strong ink odor, it was intoxicating. There were splashes of colors everywhere I looked. It’s how I imagined Dorothy felt when she first landed in Oz and saw the world in color for the first time. All of those books just waiting for me to discover them, it felt like I was home. That’s a moment I will remember forever. A moment that will always bring a smile to my face when I recall it. That night with Henry was another one of those moments. It started like any other ordinary date. He came over and we sat and talked. We talked about nothing yet I remember I was hanging on his every word. With that accent I could have listen to that man talk about the migration of snow birds and been completely captivated. I don’t quite remember how but we ended up in the bedroom. I probably used some line about wanting to give him the full house tour, him perfectly knowing what my intention was when we got there. This wasn’t the first man I had invited into my bedroom, Jason was becoming a regular. However in that moment I was hoping he would be the last. That giant wall that I had built since Chris was finally starting to crack. When I looked through that crack Henry was waiting for me on the other side. It was in that moment, wrapped up in Henry’s arms anticipating what was coming next, that I knew I was falling in love with him. As I look back on that moment I wish I could smile and remember how happy it had made me, but now it only fills my heart with pain.
I’ve experienced scary things in my life, nobody gets through life without fear. You grow up looking under the bed for monsters. Checking the closet for something terrifying, praying it’s just filled with clothes and shoes. You plug in a little spot of light thinking that will make all the bad things go away. It’s silly but that nightlight provides the comfort you need to get through the night and fall asleep. As you grow older you realize there was never anything lurking in the shadows. The only monsters were the ones living in your mind. You no longer need that light to protect you. You find new things to give you that comfort you need at bedtime. You may open your windows to let in the noise off the street that lets you know all the scary things are out of reach. Or you find someone to lay next to you. A person who will protect you from any harm that may come your way, doesn’t matter if your awake or asleep. But the simplest form of comfort while we sleep is the belief that in our home we are always safe. That when we lock the door to the outside world we are protected from it. Our home becomes sort of like a giant bubble, that’s impossible for the bad things to penetrate. That night my bubble would burst and thankfully I had someone at my side to protect me.
At seven I was convinced that I was old enough to take care of myself. One night after dinner I told my mom and dad that I was running away. I had thought long and hard about it and it was time for me to be on my own. The truth was in every super hero’s origin their journey to becoming who they were meant to be started when they left behind those they loved. Bruce Wayne had lost his parents when he was a kid. It was that moment when he became Batman. Kal El was sent away from his family in order for him to fulfill his destiny and become Superman. I still had the dream that I was meant for greatness. I was meant to be something special. Sadly I couldn’t achieve this by having the ones a loved with me. It broke my heart having to say goodbye but I knew there was no other way. I ran away for the total of a day. I remember sitting on the curb about two houses down from my home sobbing uncontrollably. It was two hours into my run away that my dad came and sat down besides me. He told me he understood why I had to leave. But it was what he told me next that will forever stick. He told me that no matter what I became or where I would go he would always take care of me. That even if I became the biggest super hero that there ever was I would always have someone looking after me, protecting me, loving me. He gave me a hug and walked away. As I sat there watching him walk away, knowing that no matter what I had someone who would always be there, the thought of being alone to achieve my greatness didn’t make sense. We are great because of the people that surround us. They push us to be the best version of ourselves. That was the last time I ever ran away but my dad wasn’t the only person that made me feel that safe in my life. I had felt that with Chris and I was beginning to feel that way with Henry. I wanted him to be the one who would always be looking after me, protecting me, loving me.
For the first time in a while I woke up knowing that the guy I had went to bed with the night before was still there. I had forgotten how amazing that felt. To have someone in my life again that made me feel like I was worth sticking around for. It’s incredible what a good nights sleep will do for you. I went to bed thinking about my past and woke up dreaming about my future. I hadn’t let myself do that since Chris. I refused to get ahead of myself in any relationship after Chris. I never thought about a future with any other guy. When I started going down that road I reminded myself how quickly your future can be taken away. I wasn’t about to have any more dreams crushed. It was better to just stop dreaming in general. That morning as I made breakfast for myself and Henry while he showered off the night before, I thought about how nice it would be if this would be my every morning. And for the first time I didn’t stop myself or shut down the dream that was forming in my mind. I was ready to think about what a future with Henry could be, but I knew there was something I needed to do before I completely let myself go all in. The only problem was it had the potential of ruining everything.
You try so hard at times to convince yourself you’re doing the right thing. When Barry Allen caused Flashpoint he was only trying to save his mother. How was he supposed to know by doing that he would completely rewrite time. Ironman was convinced that heroes registering their identities with the government in Civil War would save lives not sacrifice them. It’s those times that we wish we had a crystal ball to see what kind of consequences our actions have. If had known what was instore for my future I would have never let Henry into my bedroom and more importantly into my heart. When whatever it was Henry and I were doing started I never thought falling in love would be the outcome. Love wasn’t what I was looking for, in fact I was hoping to avoid it. That’s why I kept things going with Jason. Perhaps now that I look back on it maybe Jason was my kill switch. My out when things got too intense with Henry. I’d be ready for that moment when I wanted to run away from what I’d been terrified of having again. But now that love was an actual possibility I was terrified of losing it. Remember what I said before about the truth, it may set you free but it hurts. And that day the pain was excruciating.
Truth is a funny thing. The truth that day was the love of my life was only a few feet away. All that separated us was a wall. Had I only realized it sooner everything would have been different.
If you’d like to download any of the characters or builds you see in this story I will post the links to them below, along with a great big thank you to the creators!
Erin created by swcheppes
Henry Cavill created by andreamigriane
Chris Evans created by yddam98