The Bachelor: Disney Villains Edition Ep.4 – Lying Down On The Job

A week has passed which means it’s time for another episode of The Bachelor: Disney Villains Edition.  It’s only been a few weeks and things are already getting quite interesting in the house.  Last week was an eventful week in the house.  It started with a fire, which has become a season tradition.  Luckily no one was hurt but a few relationships did get a bit singed, especially Jafar and Drizella’s.  Ursula won the solo date, which wasn’t a big surprise since the comp had to do with staying the longest in water.  I’m pretty sure she’s been swimming everyday since she’s arrived.  Things really got hot and heavy on Jafar and Ursula’s date.  We witnessed a few firsts on that date, but I doubt they weren’t the last of what we’ll see.  The group date lead to a few new relationships forming, however one excluded our bachelor, even though Anastasia insists it’s more of a friendship.  Of course we had to say goodbye to one of the ladies.  Sadly it was fan favorite Claudette’s turn to go to the dungeons but not before whispering something to Jafar.  We are still working on finding out exactly what that was.  We have another great episode in store for you tonight.  Of course there’s plenty of competitions and drama.  Another girl will be sent downstairs and don’t forget that new face we mentioned last week!

We decided starting off this episode by seeing how Claudette handles the move and how Cruella feels about having a new roommate.

“Wow downstairs is huge!  I would have never guessed this was down here.  But I don’t have any plans of staying.  I’m going to win that comp and reenter the game, you’ll see.”

“I was a little surprised to see Claudette down here so soon.   I was totally guessing Anastasia would be next.  I have no problem with Claudette.  We should get along just fine, that is if she makes sure she doesn’t change the channels or talk when my shows are on.”

Seeing as how you pretty much watched the tv all of last week it looks like things will be pretty silent in the dungeon.

Back upstairs most of the girls were already in bed.  You see last week we had to push the elimination challenge back due to technical issues.  By the time the challenge was over it was approaching the girls bed time.  Lady Tremaine and Anastasia however decided to stay up a little longer.  Lady Tremaine was not pleased with the way her daughter had been playing the game and she intended on telling her so.

“I didn’t expect much coming into this house from my daughters especially Anastasia, she’s my biggest disappointment.  But she’s not doing a damn thing in this house.  I will not stand for that.”

“My mother has yelled at me so many times in my life that I’ve learned to just block it out.  She’s starts screaming and I just clear my mind and think of nothing.  It’s really easy.”

How has no one ever called child services on Lady Tremaine?

Jafar had headed up to bed along with the other girls.  However he could not sleep.  He couldn’t stop thinking of Claudette and whatever it was she told him before she left.  He also started to think about Cruella and wondering what the girls were up to downstairs.  He had watched the first season and remembered what happened with Jasmine and Rapunzel.  And while the thought of Jasmine with another women turned him on, he hated the idea of any of the girls hooking up with each other, that is unless he was involved of course. Jafar needed a way of knowing what exactly what was going on in the dungeon and he figured out a way to make that happen.

“I may not be able to have contact with the girls in the dungeon but that doesn’t mean someone else can’t.  I need to know what’s going on down there.”

And that someone else was a man named Iago.  Iago was Jafar’s friend, well friend wasn’t the right word.  He was more of like an assistant or henchman.  Basically think Lefou from last season, minus the whole being in love thing.  Jafar told Iago he needed to meet him to discuss something of dire importance.  They agreed to meet after all the girls had gone to bed in the backyard.

“Iago is a bit of a bird brain but I know I can trust him.  The last thing I would want to do was send someone down there who would be looking to make the girls his.  With him I don’t have to worry about that, I mean look at him he’s not exactly what you’d call handsome.  Besides he knows what happens to those who cross me.”

“Hi I’m Iago.  I’m Jafars most trusted adviser. Ok most trusted lackey sounds more right.  But I’m working my way up to adviser!  That means doing things like meeting Jafar in the middle of the night in some strange backyard.”

Iago was already waiting when Jafar made his way to the yard.  He knew better then to keep Jafar waiting.  Once he made sure none of the girls decided to do a little sleep walking he explained to Iago what he needed him to do.  Of course Iago had known that Jafar was filming some reality show and he knew the premise was for him to find his true love.  But that was about as much as he knew.  Jafar filled him in on the rules, particularly the one about the eliminated girls being sequestered.

“Obviously the producers knew what I was doing.  I wasn’t trying hide what I was doing from them. I knew they wouldn’t try to stop me.  This would be great for ratings.  And we all know that’s all they care about.”

Yes it’s true we didn’t stop Jafar from his plan.  Truth was we liked the idea of spicing up the game a little.  You don’t want each season to be the same.  Besides having Jafar spy on the girls would have no impact on who would be returning to the game later on, so we didn’t see any harm in giving our bachelor what he wanted.

Iago seemed less then thrilled with his assignment but of course if Jafar asks you to do something, you do it.

“Girls and I don’t usually mix.  I like them but they never seem to like me.  Not that I would want any of these girls to like me, Jafar would kill me if that happened.”

Iago reluctantly agreed to report back to Jafar every few days with whatever happens downstairs.  It was then time for him to head downstairs and meet the ladies.  Of course he couldn’t tell Cruella and Claudette that he was only there to spy on them so he had to come up with a lie that hopefully they would believe.

“I needed the girls to trust me if I was going to be able to report back to Jafar honestly so I definitely couldn’t tell them I was there to keep tabs on them.  I decided to tell them that me being there had something to do with the competition to get back in the game.  I couldn’t tell them anything more so that they wouldn’t have any advantage in the competition.  I hope they don’t push me on it.”

The first person to meet Iago was Claudette.  She didn’t seem to taken back to see Iago.  In fact Iago was the one who was shocked at what she was wearing and the fact that she didn’t seem to mind that he saw her like that.  She did walk around upstairs half naked so why would downstairs be any different.  Claudette bought his story about him needing to be there for the competition.

“I was just excited to have a new person down here, especially of the boy variety!  Cruella’s great and all but all she ever wants to do is watch tv.  Maybe Iago will play chess with me!”

“I can see what Jafar saw in Claudette.  I would never even consider talking to a girl like that in the real world, what would be the point…she would just laugh at me.  I wonder if she always walks around in her underwear?”

While Claudette went on and on about how many games of chess they would play, Iago saw the most stunning woman he had ever seen walk into the room.  She was unlike anyone he’d ever met.  His heart started to race and his hands got all sweaty.  Maybe this was going to be a lot harder then he thought it would be.  At least some parts were getting a lot harder at that moment.

“I’ve never believed in love at first sight but that all changed when I laid eyes on Cruella.  But I have strict orders no touching the merchandise, Jafar’s words not mine.  Not that I need to worry about that.  A girl like Cruella wouldn’t give me a second look outside this house.”

“I’m not buying Iago’s story about having something to do with the competition.  I’m going to find out the truth no matter what.”

This could get interesting.  Don’t worry we will make sure to check in on everyone downstairs whenever we can.

After his little secret rendezvous with Iago, Jafar went to bed.  The next morning he was still impressed with himself and his brilliant idea.  He couldn’t believe he was the first bachelor to thing of this idea.  He was so deep in thought that he barely noticed Maleficent sit down next to him at breakfast.

“Jafar must be sick or something.  How else can you explain him not so much as a looking at me at breakfast.  I’m not pleased.”

However from the view from the dining room it looked like Jafar and Maleficent were sharing an intimate breakfast alone together.  At least that’s how Drizella saw it.  She knew she had to share this information with her sister and mother but really dreaded doing it.  She knew that somehow her mother would blame her for this.

“I thought about not telling mother about Jafar and Maleficents secret alone time but I knew that it would be so much worse if I didn’t tell her and she found out I knew.  Trust me she always finds out about these things.”

“Ugh once again I wake up to the disappointment that is my daughter.  Instead of worrying so much about how I’m going to react to the news of Jafar and that demon woman why wouldn’t she go in there and break it up.  I swear sometimes she just doesn’t think….ok most of the time she doesn’t think.”

As the family meeting in the dining room was taking a worse turn, Ursula was outside enjoying her favorite activity, taking a dip in the pool.  Only today the dip was a whole lot nicer because Jafar decided to join her.

“Nothing is more invigorating then an early morning swim.  Well I could think of one thing that beats it.  Jafar and I did it on our date and I was hoping we could repeat it in the pool.”

“The pool cleaner is going to have to spend a little more time cleaning that pool today.  Ursula and I got it pretty dirty.”

Come on guys it’s too early in the morning for this.  Why can’t you be like everyone else and go bump in the night.

Back in the house Lady Tremaine had had enough bonding time with her daughters and went about her day.  That left Drizella and Anastasia with a few minutes of freedom from their mother.  Drizella may have told her mother about Jafar this morning but she hadn’t told her everything.

“I may have told mother about Maleficent but there was no way I was telling her the other thing a saw.  But I had to tell someone, so of course I told Anastasia.”

“What Drizella told me nearly stopped my heart.  Apparently last night Drizzy saw Jafar leave the house after we had all gone to bed.  She saw him in the backyard talking to someone but because it was so dark she couldn’t see who it was.  Why is everyone else getting these secret moments alone with Jafar?  When is it my turn?”

If only the girls knew who Jafar was really talking to last night.  But the only way to find out is to be eliminated which I doubt neither of them would like. Speaking of Iago we wanted to see how he was doing downstairs.  Unfortunately he was sleeping but we did get to eavesdrop on an interesting conversation Cruella and Claudette were having.  The girls were discussing their new roommate.

“I told Claudette how I felt like Iago was hiding something.  How I felt like he didn’t have anything to do with the competition to get back in the house.  But I don’t think she was even listening to me.  She just kept asking me if I thought he was cute.”

“I’m a good reader of people and I could tell right away that Iago liked Cruella.  And by the way she wouldn’t stop talking about him this morning it’s possible she may like him.  If I can get those two together that be one less person I’d have to compete with to get back to Jafar.”

Upstairs another two houseguests were having a conversation.  Lady Tremaine needed to know how Maleficent was able to get all this alone time with Jafar.  Jafar hadn’t so much looked at her since she surprised him in the sauna yesterday.

“I bared my soul and much more to Jafar and he’s treating me like the plague.  He can’t possibly thing that these children are better match for him?  He needs a woman who’s been around, knows how the world works, someone to be his equal.  What he doesn’t need is to be a babysitter.”

“Lady Tremaine is delusional…no better yet senile, if she thinks she’s what Jafar wants.   Sorry grandma maybe it’s time to send you back to the home.”

Ursula was doing a good job of staying out of the drama today.  She knew the solo date competition was coming up soon and she wanted to pull out another win.  She went to the bathroom to psych herself up when she couldn’t help but notice something in the mirror.  She was still the fierce woman she had started as in this game but she was considerably smaller.  It must have been from all of that time she spend swimming in the pool.

“I love being a big girl.  I persons size shouldn’t determine how she’s treated or how she feels.  But I have to admit losing some weight has made me feel good.  I feel healthier then I have in years!  Besides I still got my curves and some junk in the trunk.  I never want to lose those.”

Maybe next season we will turn this show into a weight loss competition on top of a show looking for love.

Speaking of looks of love, Iago couldn’t help but sneak looks at Cruella any chance he got.  The funny thing was neither could Cruella.  Was Claudette right?  Were the feelings Iago had for Cruella a two way street?

“I’m trying to act normal around Cruella but it’s becoming impossible.  She’s just so stunning and engaging.  I want to know everything I possible can about her.  I mean Jafar did ask me to find out everything right.”

“I’ll admit Iago is attractive in an unconventional sort of way.  But I still don’t believe his story nor do I want to give up my plans of revenge on Jafar.  Any sort of attraction between us won’t go any further then this.”

Well after being locked away with no other communication to the outside world we will see if Cruella will be singing a different tune.

It was time for this weeks solo date.  As you know each week the remaining girls in the game compete for the chance for a one on one date with Jafar outside the house.  All the girls compete, even the one who had won the previous week.  This week the girls will need to channel their inner peace and be able to control their breathing because they are doing yoga.  This competition is called “Lying Down On The Job”. The rules are simple the person able to hold the lying man yoga position for the longest is our winner.  We really couldn’t have made it any simpler for them, they literally just have to lay on the floor.  That’s it.  If you’ll remember we did this same competition back in season 1 where Snow White was our winner.  To be fair most of these girls have more experience causing someone to be forced on their back and out of commission then actually doing the deed.  So let’s see how they do.

“Now this comp is more my speed.  I know I said I was great at sitting around doing nothing but I’m even better at lying down and doing nothing!”

“This will be my week I can feel it.  I’m not getting up no matter what.”

Drizella was in the middle of pumping herself up when she caught her mother’s gaze.  By the looks of it maybe this wasn’t Drizella’s competition to win.

“I guess I won’t be winning this one.  Looks like I’m throwing it to mother.”

And with that the competition had begun.  It seemed all the ladies were finding this challenge a breeze, especially Lady Tremaine.

“Since I’ve entered this house I’ve been going none stop.  It’s exhausting.  This competition was the perfect chance for me to truly relax.”

What we thought would be another long competition actually turned out to be our shortest.  It was barely the five minute mark when three of the girls, Anastasia, Maleficent and Drizella were out.

“I’ve told you yoga and I don’t mix.  I can’t sit or lay still for that long, well not without someone on top of me at least.  No matter I’m still the one to beat in this competition.”

“I’m really starting to believe I’m not going to win anything.  Ugh I hate losing, that’s why I don’t ever compete in things.”

“I could have won this easy but mother made it pretty clear she wanted this.  Like a good little girl I always obey my mother.”

That left just Ursula and Lady Tremaine.

“I told you this would be a repeat of last week.  I’m looking forward to more naughty time with Jafar.”

It looked like Ursula spoke to soon because minutes later she had had enough of laying on her back.  Looks like naughty time will have to be postponed.  This meant that Lady Tremaine was our winner.  She would finally get that alone time she’s been desperately wanting.

“This just shows you that no matter your age you can still beat out a bunch of young nobodies!”

With the competition being over so quickly Lady Tremaine and Jafar’s date would start right away.  For this week’s date our couple will be going to the chapel but hopefully not getting married.  St. Augustus is one of the oldest churches in all of the simverse.  It is said that St. Augustus, for whom the chapel is named after, fought and banished the devil himself on this spot.  The towns people build the church to ensure the devil would never return.  Little did they know something, or should we say someones, far more evil were about to have there first date here.

“I was quite shocked that our date was at a church.  I’m not a religious man, the thought of worshiping a higher being is rather silly.  Unless of course that higher being is me.”

“Of course I’m a church going lady.  I live my life according to the sacred books.  In fact I believe I’m a perfect example of what a good religious person should be.”

Umm I’m not sure which religion you’re referring to Lady Tremaine because you a far from a perfect example of any type of person.

Anyway, Jafar and Lady Tremaine started off the date with a picnic lunch in the chapel’s courtyard.  The conversation was lacking and awkward at times.  It seemed the two had very little in common. In fact on a few occasions we caught Jafar checking out a young lady dressed in purple.

“I have really no expectations this date will be a memorable one.  In fact I’m not sure we will make it pass lunch.  I did see a few other options just in case we had to end this date early.”

“I need this date to go well.  I already feel I’m way behind the other ladies.  If this date is a disaster I don’t know if I could come back from that.  Then I’d have to rely on my daughters to win, heaven forbid it.”

And disaster was exactly where this date was headed until Lady Tremaine decided to show her true colors.  She had noticed Jafar’s eyes wandering and wasn’t going to stand for it.  She called over the girl in purple and let all hell break loose on her.

“Seeing Lady Tremaine berate that poor girl was magnificent.  The way she cut her down and tore her a new one, it was like nothing I’ve ever seen.  As I watched her I couldn’t help but wish she was talking to me like that.  And then all of the sudden I envisioned her talking like that while wearing nothing at all.  I don’t know but I don’t think it’s right to be this turned on in a church.”

“I knew Jafar didn’t think we had much in common but I knew he was wrong.  We had one very big thing in common, we take pleasure in other people’s misery.  The more I made that girl miserable the more I could tell Jafar was getting off on it.”

Jafar had to excuse himself to take care of a rather big something.  When he finally came out of the bathroom (no amount of holy water could make that bathroom holy again) he caught Lady Tremaine laying into another unsuspecting victim.

“I can’t believe a little while ago I wanted nothing more to end this date with this woman and now I can’t imagine ever being away from her.  She’s driving me crazy, I guess they’re right when they say places like this bring on divine inspiration.”

Jafar couldn’t stand it any longer, he knew this wasn’t the right place for what he was about to do (hey what about what you did in the bathroom) but he didn’t care.  He had to see if all this sexual tension that was building up inside of him would still be there after he pressed his lips to hers.

“When Jafar kissed me my knees went weak and I had to muster all the strength I had not to collapse on the floor.  And I know what you’re thinking, my knees didn’t give out just because I’m old.”

“I can’t believe how wrong I’ve been about Lady Tremaine.  I’d gladly have her as my cougar anyday.”

After desecrating this holy place with their makeout session by the alter, the pair spend the rest of the date starting into each others eyes (or souls) on a bench in a very secluded section of the courtyard.  Lady Tremaine had finally gotten her wish and was enjoying the secret alone time with Jafar.

“Remember how I said I felt like I was on the bottom at the beginning of this date.  That certainly has changed.  And something tells me I’ll be on top of other things very soon.”

“I was praying…ha you see what I did there…that there was someplace in this chapel I could take Lady Tremaine for even more one on one time.  But that bathroom was quite small and slippery.  I wouldn’t want her to break a hip.”

Worried that the church would be swallowed up whole and sucked into hell we decided it was time to shut this date down.

While Jafar and Lady Tremaine were on their way back home from their dates, Lady Tremaine’s daughters were busy wondering how their mothers date was going.

“Just thinking of mother with Jafar makes me want to barf….ewww.”

“I hope this date will put mother in a better mood.  Hopefully she will lighten up on me and Ana a little.  Then again if she’s in a good mood that means things went well with Jafar and that’s something I don’t want to think about…ever.”

Jafar and Lady Tremaine finally made it back home and went back to life as normal.  But they weren’t the only ones who had enjoyed their night.  Downstairs Cruella and Iago had been spending a lot of time together.  They were really enjoying each others company.  Of course things were staying at purely a friendship level but who knew how long that would last.

“The more I get to know Iago I realize he couldn’t possibly be up to something.  He’s too sweet to pull something over, especially on me.  Normally I can’t stand the whole sweet and dorky act but on him it works.”

“Anytime I let my mind start to think about a possibility of me and Cruella I remember what Jafar would do to me.  I’ve seen what he’s capable of, I mean he threw that Al guy in the dungeon just because he didn’t like the way he looked at the princess.”

Jafar had headed to bed right after his date.  I think a part of him had hoped Lady Tremaine would have joined him.  But she had other plans.  She wanted to make sure the girls knew just how amazing her date went.  She especially wanted to tell Maleficent.

“Maleficent had been so smug earlier about her relationship with Jafar.  I wanted to make sure she knew she wasn’t the top dog in this house anymore.”

“HAHAHA….I’m sorry I just find that idea that Lady Tremaine things she’s the one to beat laughable.  It’s seriously the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Finally the girls headed to bed and the house called it a night.  The next morning Anastasia and Drizella were the first up.  They hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to their mother last night, that’s not without trying.  Each time the girls approached Lady Tremaine she shot them down, saying to leave her alone that she didn’t want them to ruin the high she was on.

“I’ve had enough of that old cow.  Had it been me or Drizzy who had won she wouldn’t have let us go to sleep until we divulged ever last detail.  And she won’t even give us a little crumb.”

The residents downstairs were getting up too, well at least Claudette.  But she didn’t seem like her lively, spirited self.  In fact we noticed she was making herself a cup of coffee which we had never seen her do upstairs.

“I’m just tired that’s all.  I haven’t gotten much sleep the last few nights.”

Poor Claudette hopefully she will be able to get some sleep soon.

Jafar was finally up and since Drizella wasn’t getting any information from her mother she thought she’d try to get it out of Jafar.  She followed him into the kitchen only to find Ursula already waiting for him..  Jafar lit up like a Christmas tree when he saw Ursula.  Drizella wondered if she would ever get that same reaction from him.  Unfortunately not today, Jafar didn’t even notice Drizella was in the kitchen too.

“I don’t how much more of this I can take.  I may get screamed at and lectured back home but at least I’m not invisible there.  I feel like if I were to leave no one here would even miss me or know that I’m gone.”

Drizella wasn’t the only one feeling left out.  Lady Tremaine had woke up with such high but was quickly brought back to reality when she saw Jafar and Ursula together.  She noticed a lot more flirting then usual between them and she was not the slightest bit pleased.

“I guess going on a date doesn’t mean much in this house.  I went from feeling like number one to feeling like a zero.  I need to figure out a way to destroy these relationships and quick.”

Lady Tremaine found her daughters and finally told them about her date.  She my have embellished a few things, like saying that Jafar told her he loved her and that in his mind the competition was over because he had found his true love.

“I knew by telling my girls those things that word would get out in the house.  They wouldn’t dare say where they heard it but I knew they would spread the gossip like wild fire.  Hopefully this will make a dent in Ursula’s and Maleficent’s relationships with Jafar.”

“I can’t believe Jafar told mother he loved her.  Honestly I didn’t even think he liked her that much.”

“Oh my god if mother marries Jafar I’m going to have to call him daddy….ewwww.  That so not the way I was imagining calling him daddy.”

Lady Tremaine didn’t have to wait for her daughters to spread the word because Ursula had walked in just as she was telling them about her date.  Unlike Anastasia and Drizella, Ursula knew that each and every word out of Lady Tremaine’s mouth was a lie.

“If that half wit thinks for a second I would believe Jafar would tell her he loves her before he told me she’s out of her mind.  If it’s a war she wants, it’s a war she’ll get.”

Ursula decided to plan her first strike.  She went back into the kitchen and waited until she had an audience and planted a sweet yet seductive kiss on Jafar.  Anastasia scurried off as fast as her skinny little legs could take her to tell her mother what she just saw.  Ursula was extremely pleased with herself.  But what Ursula didn’t realize was she had an even bigger audience watching.  She hadn’t seen Maleficent tucked away making breakfast.  But Maleficent sure saw her.

“That skank!  How dare she kiss my man right in front of me.  She will pay for making me angry!!”

Jafar being the innocent:::cough::: so not innocent:::cough::: bystander in this had no idea what was going on.  That all changed when he stepped into the sitting room where all the girls were.  Not one of them was happy to see him, especially not Maleficent.

“What the hell is going on here.  I go to bed and I have every woman in this house banging down my door and a wake up and they all look like they want to murder me in my sleep.  Ugh women!”

It might have something to do with how you are playing them all.  That could be why they are so upset.

Luckily downstairs wasn’t as heated.  In fact they were having a very nice morning.  Iago was making breakfast but since Claudette had already eaten it was just for Cruella.  Claudette had known from the start that Cruella and Iago were attracted to each other.  She took it upon herself to become scarce so they could have a romantic breakfast alone.

“At first I was only trying to get Cruella and Iago together to get her out of the competition but oh my gosh they are too cute together.  Of course they are both being stupid and not doing anything about it.  Oh yeah that buzzing noise is back, but it’s only when I’m doing yoga and only when I’m bending over.  Weird right.”

Come on guys we talked about this!

Back upstairs everyone decided it would be best if they all spend some time apart.  The group date would be starting soon and they wanted to enjoy that.  So for the time being everyone kept to themselves and waited to leave.

“I just have to keep reminding myself this is a game.  A game with some of the mean spirited evil minded women I’ve ever met, but still just a game.”

“Having all of Jafar’s relationships start to fall apart like this may help me out.  It will put us all on an even playing field.  Give me a shot again.”

“These girls must all be cycled up.  It’s the only explanation as to why they are all acting like crazy fools.  Remember ladies I don’t have to pick anyone in the end.”

It was time for the group date and we thought this group could use some spa time.  That is why this group date will be at 123 Relax Day Spa.  123 Relax has everything you need to calm yourself down and melt your troubles away.  We also felt it best to stick with the idea of keeping people separate (mostly we were afraid of what Maleficent would do) so we scheduled each girl with Jafar for a different treatment.  Based on the faces of some of the girls when they got there we hoped a little pampering would lift their spirits.

“Why am I letting this game get to me like this.  I’m stronger then this.  I don’t let a guy control my feelings like this.  Arghhh this is so frustrating.”

“The funny thing is Lady Tremaine started this war but she isn’t even here to see the consequences.  Maybe I should focus all this anger and rage towards her and not Jafar.”

“I don’t know why everyone has such moopy faces….we’re at a freakin spa people!  People are paid to pamper us today.  I’m excited.”

The girls changed into their robes and got ready for their date.  Jafar couldn’t help but start to feel a little bad that he was the cause of the girls pain.  Seeing Maleficent so upset surprised and hurt him the most.

“I guess I’m actually developing real feelings for these girls.  Ugh I know.  But I don’t like seeing them hurt, especially knowing I’m the reason.  You’ve ruined me, you know that.”

We did say he only felt a little bad remember.

The first treatment was the couples massage.  Jafar had chosen to experience this one with Maleficent.  He only wished he was the one giving the massage and vice versa.

“Is having some stranger man handling me supposed to be relaxing because it was just getting me more tense.”

The other girls enjoyed the other fun things the spa had to offer while Jafar and Maleficent were receiving their massage.  Things like yoga and the sauna and hanging out with other cute guys they had met on a previous date….what??”

“I swear I didn’t call him.  How could I, I didn’t even know this is where we were going.  It was just fate that Gustav was her at the spa the same time as me.”

The girls on this season are forgetting who’s heart they are supposed to be winning over.

The massage was over and Jafar noticed that it didn’t do much to change Maleficent’s attitude.  There was only one thing he knew would make her feel better but it was something he hates doing.  Something he swore he wouldn’t do…apologize.

“Even though I wasn’t really sorry I knew the only way to make Mal feel like we were back on track was if I apologized for the Ursula kiss.  I had to convince her she was my number one interest in this house.  I said I would apologize I never said I wouldn’t lie.”

“I was floored when Jafar apologized for earlier today.  I was wary to believe him at first but then he told me how I was the only girl he was truly interested in the house.  He said he had to keep up appearances for the show.  I know I’ll regret saying this later but I think this is the real deal….this is love.”

Let’s all hope that Maleficent doesn’t find out that Jafar had lied.  We would all be in terrible danger.  The truth was Maleficent wasn’t the only one Jafar was planning on apologizing to.  Something tells us she isn’t the only one to hear that she’s his only interest in the house.  In fact after Jafar finished his meditation routine with Ursula he told her basically the same thing he had told Malelicent.

“I knew Jafar and I had a strong relationship, but I never imagined I was the only girl he was really interested in this house.  I can’t believe he’s been faking it with Mal all this time.  She’s going to be furious.  Can I be there when he tells her…oh please.”

“Ok I know this could blow up in my face but these girls hate and distrust each other so much that I can easily swing this my way if need be.  Besides I only told this to Mal and Ursual and I’ll talk to Lady Tremaine later.  There’s no need with the other two.”

For once Jafar was true to his word.  He indeed did not tell Drizella that she was his only interest in the house during their mixology lesson.  He also didn’t apologize to her about the kiss with Ursula.  It’s been three weeks and Jafar and Drizella still didn’t have much of a connection.  Jafar doubted that would change over the next few weeks.

“Why am I keeping Drizella around if I don’t see any future with her, well there’s two reasons.  One after realizing how much Lady Tremaine berating people turns me on of course I’d want to keep Drizella around for that purpose.  Two, I kind of want to be able to say I banged a sister and mother, plus in this case another sister.”

“My time with Jafar was nice today.  He was very quiet.  He just listened to me which is such a great quality to find in a man.”

Poor Drizella she still doesn’t know she has no chance.  Though in the long run she’s the luckiest girl in this house.

The last treatment of the day for Jafar was a trip to the sauna with Anastasia.  Just like Drizella, Jafar had no plans of apologizing or feeding Anastasia lines.  The two actually sat in silence for a little bit.  That is until Anastasia blurted out that she hated poor people.

“I just hate them.  I mean who would want to be poor.  It’s not like it’s that hard to not be poor.  Just make money duh.”

“I thought Anastasia and I had nothing in common but when she said her feelings about the poor I realized we actually have a lot in common.  I’m seeing her in a whole new light.”

After that it’s as if the flood gates had been opened.  As Jafar mentioned they learned that they had many things in common like that they both hated monkeys or that they both wanted to rule the world or that their favorite pizza topping was spinach.  Jafar not only noticed they had a lot in common he also noticed how attractive Anastasia really was.  She had the small frame like Mal and the red lips like Ursula.  And of course she had her mothers eyes.  He was surprised that it took him this look to notice all that.

“I’m sorry it took me this long to notice all the good in Anastasia and by that a mean all the bad.  She’s like a younger hotter version of her mother.”

“I bet mother isn’t going to be so pleased that Jafar is taking a liking to me now.  I can’t wait to tell her.”

Once Jafar and Anastasia had had enough heat it was time for everyone to head back to the house.  With the group date over that meant the houseguests were free of worries until the next days elimination.  Most of the girls were exhausted from all the pampering they received at the spa and went straight to bed.  Everyone that is except Maleficent.  She was still elated with what Jafar had shared with her on the group date.  She was hoping they could pick up from where they left off on the date.  Jafar didn’t argue.

“I have one goal tonight and that’s not going to bed alone.”

Jafar and Mal weren’t the only ones still up in the house.  Downstairs everyone was still up.  However Claudette was getting tried of being ignored and decided to head to her bedroom.  Hopefully she’d finally get a decent nights sleep and not be so tired the next day.  The reason she felt like she was being ignored, was because she kind of was.  Iago and Cruella didn’t mean to ignore Claudette on purpose it’s just when they got to chatting they got lost in the conversation or was it they got lost in each other.

“I wish those too would just screw already.  All they do is talk.  It’s getting boring to watch.”

But Iago and Cruella weren’t bored of each other.  Quite the opposite, the couldn’t get enough of each other.  After talking for what seemed like hours the two decided they should get some sleep.  A new girl would be joining them tomorrow so they should really be rested.  Only when it came time to say goodnight it seemed like neither wanted to say good bye.  There was something Iago had wanted to do from the day he laid eyes on Cruella.  And even though he knew he would be dead if Jafar ever found out, he figured she was worth the risk.

“This may be my last night on earth because killing me would be the best case scenario if Jafar finds out but I’d die the happiest man.”

“From the first day I was sent down here I knew that Jafar was not the man for me.  Imagine my surprise that I still might be able to find love in this house.  I’m not saying I love Iago, not yet anyway, but I do really like him.”

Romance wasn’t just happening in the dungeon, there was some serious stuff happening upstairs, way upstairs.  It seemed like Maleficent was true to her word and wouldn’t be going to bed alone tonight.

“If I didn’t believe Jafar before about being his only one in this house I certainly believe him now.”

“The day may have started off not how I would have liked but I was definitely liking how it was ending.”

So three weeks down and Jafar has already slept with two girls.  If he keeps up at this he’ll blow through the rest of the cast in no time.

All the lights in the house were finally out and everyone was in their beds, well almost everyone.  Jafar knew this was the perfect time to meet with Iago to get a status report on how things were going downstairs.  He quietly got out bed, not wanting to wake up Mal and headed to the backyard.  Iago was already waiting for him.

“I told Jafar everything that happened this week, almost everything that is.  There was no way I was going to tell him about me kissing Cruella.”

“I figured nothing much would have happened this week.  I mean it’s just the two girls down there and neither are each others types.  I’m glad to hear there was no girl on girl kissing.  Having Iago down there was the best idea I ever had.”

There wasn’t much more to discuss so it seemed like the men would go their separate ways.  But right as Iago turned to leave Jafar asked him one more question, which girl would he bang?

“I’m pretty sure my heart stopped beating for a few mintues when Jafar asked me that question.  Cruella and I didn’t ba….I mean be intimate but we did kiss.  Did he know, maybe the producers needed to spice things up and showed him the footage.  I had to lie and say neither was my type.”

“Haha…of course neither are his type. There’s girls, and he’s afraid of girls.  I just wanted to see him get all flustered when I asked him that question.  Haha like either girl would ever be interested in him.”

Boy is Jafar’s face going to be red when he watches this season.

Jafar and Iago went back to their ladies.  A few hours later it was morning.  Maleficent made sure to get up a little early so she could sneak back downstairs.

“I didn’t really care if any of the girls saw me leaving Jafar’s room in the morning but I remembered what Jafar said yesterday about keeping up appearances for the sake of the show.”

Iago and Claudette were the only other ones up.  Iago couldn’t get the goofy smile he had since he kissed Cruella last night off his face.  Claudette looked like she finally got a good nights sleep so of course she noticed the smile right away.  She then began to grill Iago and he had no other choice but to tell her what happened.

“Are you serious they finally stopped talking and kissed and I missed it!”

Iago needed to get away from Claudettes questions.  Luckily he ran into Cruella on his way back to his room.  He wanted to tell her he had the best nights sleep last night because all he did was dream of her.  Yes it’s corny but this is the only game Iago has so let him have this one.

“This is bad very bad, but at the same time it’s the best thing that ever happened to me.  Maybe we can just stay in this dungeon forever.”

“I can’t believe I’m falling for such a corny guy like Iagoo.  Look what this house does to you.”

At this point everyone in the house was up.  Lady Tremaine was having a conversation with her daughter about her other daughter.

“Anastasia wouldn’t shut up about how amazing her time with Jafar was on the group date.  She said they finally connected in a whole new way.  I was hoping it wasn’t in the way I was thinking.  I figured if she would have told anyone what really happened it would have been her sister.”

“Ana didn’t tell me anything about her part of the group date with Jafar.  I was a little hurt she didn’t. We’re sisters we’re supposed to tell each other everything.  If something big had happened with me and Jafar, she’d be the first person I’d tell.”

Speaking of Anastasia we found her on the phone again.  It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who was on the other end of that call.

“Yes I called Gustav but only to tell him I couldn’t call him anymore.  What we had was over.  After yesterday I knew Jafar was my destiny.”

It’s funny how you called him to tell him it was over when you told us that there was nothing going on that would need to be over.

Lady Tremaine and Drizella were finishing up their conversation when Jafar and Maleficent entered the kitchen.  It didn’t take long for what appeared to be a repeat of yesterday was about to go down.  When will these girls learn.  Only the person to react the hardest today was Drizella.  She looked like she was crushed seeing Jafar being kissed by another woman.  Of course her mother was there to offer comforting words.

“I simply told her to stop embarrassing herself and this family.  What did she care anyway, Jafar didn’t even like her.”

“If you’re ever looking for a way to feel worse just talk to my mother.”

Before emotions could erupt even farther we told the girls it was time for the elimination challenge.  Each week the girls compete in a challenge that in the end will send someone packing.  If you’ve been with us before you will know that the challenge is a research one.  The girls will have to work their hardest to not be the last girl still searching for their element.  Because as we mentioned that girl will join the other eliminated girls in the dungeon.  The winner of the solo date has immunity and does not have to compete.  That means Lady Tremaine is safe this week. Everyone looks ready so let’s get this started.

“This week has been a turning point in mine and Jafar’s relationship.  There was some ups and downs at we came out stronger in the end.  I don’t see me leaving in anyway this week…oh my god listen to me I’m such a girl, what’s happening to me!”

“Now that I’ve had Mal in my bed I don’t think I could go back to sleeping alone.  Then again I always have Ursula.”

Well it appears Jafar will have his pick because both ladies have found their elements.  In fact all the ladies but one has found their element making this the shortest elimination challenge in the history of the show.  Our third lady leaving tonight is…

ANASTASIA

“But but Jafar and I just started to connect….I broke up with Gustav for him.  This can’t be right. I want a recount or a revote or whatever to get me back in the game.”

Unfortunately neither of those things would help you out in this case Anastasia.  So unless Jafar decides he wants to save you, you will be headed down to the dungeon

“No I don’t think I will be saving Anastasia.  After I slept on it I realized Anastasia didn’t really do anything for me.  And in the light I realized she doesn’t have the same beautiful body Mal has, and her lips certainly don’t even come close to Ursulas.  And did you notice hers eyes are a bit crossed eyed.  Yes we have a lot in common but there’s no attraction there.  There never was.”

And with that we say goodbye to Anastasia.  But don’t worry she’ll have another chance to win Jafar over if she reenters the house not that it would do much good.

“I wonder if Gustav will believe that I only broke things off with him because I was on my period.  I mean we girls do go a little crazy that time of the month.  Besides you mention that word to guys and they’ll do anything to change the subject.  Maybe even take someone back.”

The competition to reenter the house is shaping up to be pretty interesting.  I’m not even sure two of the girls would even want to be back in the house.

Well that’s it for tonight’s episode.  As always thank you for watching and we hope to see you back next week.  Good night!