The Bachelor: Disney Villains Edition Ep.3 – Put Your Dukes Up

It’s been a week and you know what that means…a new episode of The Bachelor: Disney Villains Edition.  Last week was the start of our competition and these girls came out of the gates running.  We saw tension brewing, schemes being planned and tempers flaring and it was only week one.  Sadly we had to say good bye to our first girl, Cruella De Vil.  But as like the seasons before she wasn’t really gone, more like out of sight. She was sent down to the dungeons to wait for her chance to reenter the game.  Of course as you know the dungeon is anything but that.  Cruella will be quite comfortable while she waits.  In fact let’s see how Cruella reacts to her new living quarters.

 

“I’m still pretty pissed I lost and that Jafar didn’t care, he’ll regret that.  But this place isn’t a bad place to have to be stuck while a plot my revenge.  I mean that tv is pretty sweet, it would look great in my apartment.  I wonder how hard it would be to unmount it?”

Upstairs the girls were getting back into the swing of things.  Lady Tremaine took it upon herself to make lunch for everyone.  Now if you’ve read the previous seasons you know that there’s a bit of a tradition that happens within the first few weeks.  Yes I’m talking about someone starting a fire.  This season was going to be no different thanks to Lady Tremaine.  Her nice little gesture was turning into a four alarm fire.

“I do not do this commoners work at home.  I have people who do this for me.  So I can’t be blamed if this whole house goes down in flames.”

The rest of the household was being alerted of the fire.  Everyone was freaking out and trying to get to safety.  No one seemed to care if anyone else needed help, it was definitely a look out for me moment.

“Hell no I wasn’t stopping.  I told you heat and I don’t mix.  I wasn’t getting burnt to a crisp today.”

“In this world you only look out for yourself.  That’s just what I did.”

“Stop drop and roll??  Screw that!  You see or smell fire you run!”

“I felt bad not checking on the other girls but I was just in the moment.  And in that moment I wanted out.  Besides everyone was ok weren’t they?  Oh my god no one told Cruella!!  Is she still alive?”

Yes Cruella was alive and well.  In fact she had no idea what was going on upstairs.  Before you start thinking how awful is this show that they don’t even care if one of their contestants perishes in a fire, know that Cruella was never in any danger.  The sequestered basement used to be a bomb shelter, back before we turned the whole house into the bachelor house.  So you see she could survive just about anything down there.

Back upstairs to the real danger, the fire was starting to get a little out of control.  Surprisingly or, maybe not, Jafar hadn’t stepped in to save the day.  What was he waiting for?  Well Drizella wasn’t about to sit around and find out.  She took a deep breathe and summoned all the courage she had and began to tame the fire that was engulfing her mother.

“Of course I was scared but it was my mother, I wasn’t going to let her burn.  Yes we don’t always see eye to eye and she drives me crazy most days but I love her.  I don’t know what I would do if I lost her.”

“I was really surprised when Drizella, of all people, stepped up and saved the day.  I’ve already told you I’m no hero plus I knew that production would step in before anything really bad happened.  They don’t want a death on their hands, talk about lawsuit.  But back to Drizella.  It really made me see her in a different light.  I like a woman who takes charge.”

The fire was out but it seemed to have sparked something in Jafar towards Drizella.  The house settled down and the girls went back to what they had all been busy doing before the fire.  Drizella and Anastasia however decided to stay in the kitchen to make sure their dear old mommy was ok.

“I’m really proud of Drizzy.  I can’t believe she saved mother.  I’m no quite sure I would have done the same.  I mean you have met our mother.”

“How embarrassing to have to be saved by your child.  It’s absolutely unthinkable.  And the fact that Anastasia did nothing!  I’ll have to speak to that one, mommy is not pleased.”

I would have thought Lady Tremaine would have been a little more thankful of her daughters quick thinking but I’m not a parent so I guess I don’t get it.  Anyways as we said the house went back to normal and some of the girls were trying to destress after the events of the day.

“I was so tense after all the drama this morning.  It really took it’s toll on me, nearly dying and all.  I’ve heard yoga is supposed to help relax the body so I gave it a try.  What a waste of time that was.”

“All I wanted to do for the rest of the day was soak in a nice warm bath.  Some of the places I had soot on me I didn’t think were even possible.”

Not wanting to repeat history some of the house guests opted for yogurt for breakfast.  The only thing you had to worry about with yogurt was whether or not it turned.

“I feel so bad for Lady Tremaine.  I mean she probably couldn’t read all the dials on the stove, you know because she’s so old.  Old people really shouldn’t be allowed to cook or drive.  Old people are the worse drivers.”

“Yes I felt a little bad for Tremaine, it was quite embarrassing.  But it allowed me to get some time with Jafar in a smaller group.  Now if I could have only gotten rid of the bimbette.”

Lady Tremaine decided to tempt fate.  Since the kitchen was still being cleaned after her first attempt at lunch she had to use the grill.  Luckily for everyone she managed to not set the backyard on fire.

“I needed to redeem myself for the fire fiasco.  I wasn’t going to let an itty bitty fire be what sent me home this week.”

Just so you can see for yourself we checked in on Cruella.  As you can see she was perfectly safe enjoying the benefits of being eliminated.

“It sounded like a herd of wildebeest running around up there today.  Was there some sort of comp or something?”

The day winded down and luckily no one else decided to use any more appliances. Jafar hadn’t gotten to talk to Drizella since before the fire.  He wanted to tell her how impressed he was with her.  But after chatting with her for a while he realized he was less impressed and more annoyed with her act of heroism.

“At first the thought of Drizella putting out that fire was a turn on.  Excuse the pun, it was hot.  But after hearing her talk about how she had to save her mother and it was the right thing to do.  I started to feel sick with all the sweetness.  I’m not the hero type nor do I want to date one.”

“I can’t believe I impressed Jafar.  Maybe I have more of a chance in this game then I thought.”

Most of the girls had headed up to bed but Lady Tremaine had one very important thing she needed to do before turning in.  She needed to make sure Jafar didn’t think any less of her after what had happened earlier today.

“I wanted Jafar to know the fire was not my fault.  The wiring or something must have been faulty on that piece of junk stove.  I also needed him to know I certainly didn’t need my daughter to step in, I had everything perfectly handled.”

“I’m not sure where Drizella got her sweetness because it certainly wasn’t from her mother.  The woman couldn’t even thank her own child for saving her life, she’s quite stubborn.  And the truth is I like it.”

The two stayed up for a while doing what I guess would be considered flirting.  To be honest it was all a bit confusing to watch.  They finally joined the rest of the girls and turned in for the night.

Morning arrived and the first one up was Claudette.  She was really taking a liking to chess, even if she couldn’t quite get the concept down.

“Ok so the pieces and the colors on the board don’t really have anything to do with game like a thought.  Maybe you need to be the first to get all your pieces in size order?  That has to be it.”

We were going to check in on Cruella again and see how her first night in isolation went but when we went downstairs we found her in the same position as the other day.  Her butt was glued to the couch watching the tv.  The only reason we knew she had moved at some point was because she was now in her pajamas.

“I’ve been binge watching Game of Thrones.  It really has some great ideas for revenge.  I’m just not sure where I would get my hands on a dyre wolf.”

Lady Tremanie was also up early that morning.  She took this alone time to get some reading done.  The other day she had noticed the most interesting looking book on the bookshelf in the sitting room.  It was called “7 Ways to Make Him Yours”.  Any advantages she could get in this game she was going to take.

“It’s said in the book ‘To make a man interested you must first present him with your best self.  Be sure he sees everything you have to offer.’  Well I certainly have plenty to offer.”

It seemed liked Claudette had also read that book because she was downstairs showing Jafar everything she had to offer.  It just so happens that her best self wore red lingerie.  Lady Tremaine was less then thrilled when she came downstairs to practice some of the things she had learned but found Claudette and Jafar cozy on the couch.

“Yes I have a hot body.  I work hard for it and you bet I’m going to show it off.  I didn’t hear Jafar complaining one bit.”

“Claudette is quickly becoming a front runner in this competition.  The things I want to do to her would make the hairs on your toes curl.”

“Of course Claudette is using her body to get far in this competition.  She certainly won’t be using her brain.  She would need to have a brain for that to be possible.”

While tensions were raising in the sitting room, Drizella and Anastasia were discussing what they thought today’s competition would be.  They knew that one of them had to win today.  Jafar had been starting to bond with a few girls in the house and unfortunately neither one of them were on that list.

“Anastasia is great, any guy would be lucky to have her.  They just need to give her that chance to get to know her.  I really hope she wins the solo date today so Jafar can see everything that I see.”

“I want to win so bad today.  I need alone time with Jafar.  Drizzy even said she would throw the comp my way if she could.”

The comp would be starting soon but before it did Jafar wanted to get in some alone time with Ursula.  Shockingly he felt bad with the way he had acted towards her the first day.  He should have never suggested she needed to lose weight.  It was the first day and nerves had been running high. Ursula was surprised by this apology, she had ever expected Jafar to ever admit when he was wrong.

“I was surprised Jafar apologized for his comments the first day.  Jafar doesn’t seem like the person admit when he was wrong.  Maybe I misjudged him.”

“All the women I’ve dated haven’t had much meat on their bones.  When I first saw Ursula I was caught of guard.  She certainly wasn’t may type.  But this last week I’ve been realizing how much we have in common.  And like the song says she has all the right junk in all the right places.”

It seems our bachelor is starting to grow a little bit.  Maybe by the end of this he’ll be an actual man, and not the self centered stuck up boy we met the first day.

It was time for the solo competition.  We told the girls to gather in the gym.  Each season we’ve done a more physically demanding challenge and this season would be no different.  This week’s comp is called “Put Up Your Dukes”.  The girls will be throwing punches (luckily not at each other), getting at all the tension that has been building in the house.  The girl with the most stamina and that is still standing at the end will be the winner of the solo date.  More importantly they will have immunity for the week, which means they can’t be eliminated.  The girls are ready to hit them with their best shot, and by them we mean the punching bags.

“Ugh exercise!!  I hate moving.  Why can’t we just sit around and do nothing like last time?”

“I told Ana that I would throw her this comp.  Which will be easy since I was tired after only a few punches.”

It looked like Drizella was about to throw in the towel when Anastasia beat her to it.  I guess she had forgot about her sister throwing the competition for her.

“Seriously Ana!  What happened to the plan?  Did she think I wanted to spend the rest of the day punching this stupid bag!   But now since she quit I couldn’t quit or mother would be furious.  My arms are going to hurt later.”

It seemed like Anastasia wasn’t the only one relying on Drizella to win.  A few minutes after Anastasia quit, Lady Tremaine gave up.

“A lady of my status doesn’t fight, you don’t want to bruise your hands.  I’m more used to using my words to cut people down.  Besides Drizella lasted so long in the last comp she was sure to do the same this time.  Let’s see if she can actually do something right and win this time.”

The remaining girls continued to punch.  They punched and punched and just kept on punching.  When it looked like this would be a repeat of the dancing competition last season (see The Bachelorette: Ep.2 – Everybody Dance Now) we decided that was enough boxing and to finish the competition some place else. Instead of the pool, this time we opted for something a little more cozy…the hot tub.  The girl who stayed in the hot tub the longest would be the winner.  Even if they don’t win at least this will help with the girls sore muscles.

“Now this competition was definitely more my speed.  Those girls didn’t stand a chance.”

It seemed like Ursula was right it wasn’t long before a few of the woman had had enough of the hot water.  First Maleficent left and then shortly after is was Drizella.  I doubt Lady Tremaine will be too happy about that.

“After my win last week I knew Jafar would never send me packing.  I was safe regardless if I won this competition.  What would be the point of me getting all pruney.  Especially since Jafar was waiting for me when I got out.”

“Two weeks in a row and again I come so close.  Good thing I’m used to rejection, a normal person wouldn’t be able to handle all this.”

The only two left were Ursula and Claudette.  Both girls had advantages over the other, Ursula loved water and Claudette had two built in flotation devices to keep her in this comp.  This really could have gone either way.

“My sisters and I practiced for a comp like this before I came in the house.  My record at home was 7 hours.  There was no way I was losing.”

“It’s funny that Claudette thought she could actually beat me in this.  I practically live in the water.”

The girls went at it for hours.  It looked like this would be another waiting game like last week.  Then something unexpected happened, Claudette got out of the hot tub.  After hours of battling it out she just gave up. That meant the winner of the second solo date with Jafar was Ursula.  It was fitting that she won a water based competition.

“I really wanted to win and I would have if I hadn’t drank that giant iced latte before the competition.  I needed to pee so bad and no way I was going to pee in the hot tub.  I may be bad but I’m not disgusting.”

Ursula was thrilled that she had won.  It was even sweeter when she saw Jafar waiting for her when she exited the hot tub.  She couldn’t wait for their date and by the looks of it neither could Jafar.

“I don’t know what I was thinking before, when I saw Ursula in that bathing suit all I wanted to do was rip it off of her.  I never knew big could be so hot.”

Since Jafar liked Ursula so much in her bathing suit we decided to let her wear it on their date.  Which would make the most sense since their date was at the Lagoona Springs.  Lagoona Springs is a giant hot spring right on the edge of Oasis Springs.  It’s waters are supposed to have magical powers.  It is said that if you share the springs with an object of your affection, your relationship will be hot and steamy for years to come.  Ursula was hoping this was true because she couldn’t wait to get hot and steamy with Jafar.

Once they arrived at the springs Jafar quickly change into his suit and suggested they dip their feet in the water.  They were going to be here awhile so there was no need to rush things.  Besides if the date went in the direction Jafar was hoping he didn’t want to ruin it with shrinkage.  Prolonged periods in the water can have that effect on him.

“I wanted to play a little hard to get.  After spending the last week with Jafar I noticed he prefers a chase.”

“Ursula was driving me crazy ignoring my advances.  I wanted to grab her and warn her that people usually regret not giving into my demands.  And then I would bite and kiss those big red lips.”

Ursula was unable to resist Jafar for long.  She soon was under his spell and returning each come on with one of her own.

“My that man has a filthy little mouth.  Good thing I don’t mind getting dirty.”

The couple had had enough of just getting their feet wet and decided to test out one the springs hot tubs.  Let’s hope these two can keep things clean, but something tells me they won’t be.

“I’m sorry I can’t repeat what I whispered in Ursula’s ear.  It certainly isn’t PG- 13, in fact I doubt it would even be acceptable in most NC-17 movies.”

“I’ll say it again what a filthy mouth he has.”

The sun started to set and the night creeped in.  Jafar and Ursula were still enjoying the hot tub.  They decided moving around in it was a lot more fun then just sitting still.  Of course that moving around lead to our first kiss of the season.

“Those lips tasted just as good as I thought they would.”

“He may have a filthy mouth but he sure knew what to do with it.”

Things continued to heat up.  It seemed the theory of a couple being hot and steamy was in fact true.  Oh and the kiss wasn’t the only first of the season.  There was another first that happened that night but it fell in the NC-17 rating so we were not able to show it.

“You know what they say big girls have more fun.  What that’s blondes?  Well it applies to us too.”

“There was no way I could resist that dark creature.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to restrain myself for too long in this house.  I held out for a week that was a decent amount of time I think.”

Seeing as how Jafar broke the seal so to speak something tells me this was just the beginning.  We are in for a whole lot of NC-17 content.

Jafar and Ursula finished dirtying up the hot tub and were ready to end this date on a high note.  They returned to the house quite late but a lot of the girls were still up.

“When I did my interview earlier today the producer suggested I try some yoga.  I thought that would be fun so I tried it.  I think there my be a beehive or something in the yoga studio.  I kept hearing this weird buzzing noise.”

It seems we’re going to have to talk to our camera guys about that weird buzzing noise!

Ursula headed straight to bed when she got back from her date.  She didn’t want to risk running into anyone who felt the need to grill her about her date.  It seemed she made the right choice as both Lady Tremaine and Maleficent were both waiting in the kitchen for her to get home.

“It’s only fair I pester Ursula about her date like she did mine.  It doesn’t matter how the date went though, I know Jafar and I have a strong connection  I mean seriously who would you choose if given the choice?”

“I really need to rethink my game plan.  Jafar has now been on two dates and is connecting with a few girls in the house.  I need to do something big to solidify my space.”

Meanwhile upstairs Jafar had gone to bed.  He had a tiring day, especially the last part of it.  Only one guess who he’s dreaming about that’s making him grin ear to ear.

“Unfortunately Ursula and I weren’t able to do everything I wanted to do on our date.  Luckily that’s what dreams are for.”

As we mentioned Ursula had gone right to bed when she got home.  Claudette was hoping that maybe if she made enough noise in the room she would be able to wake Ursula up and find out about her date.  When the noise wasn’t working she thought of something else that may cause Ursula to wake up.

“Oh my gosh I’m sorry nanna.  I know she’ll be moritfied when she sees me being so unlady like but I needed to know how the date went.  It was the only thing I thought would wake her.  But it didn’t work.”

It was early the next morning, like the sun wasn’t even up early, and Drizella was already up making breakfast.

“I wanted to do something nice for the rest of the house, especially Jafar.  So I thought I would get up early and make breakfast.  I’ve never made anything before so it took me a while to get the hang of it.  It’s ok if you get some shell in the eggs right?”

While Drizella was attempting to make breakfast her sister had cornered Jafar in the pantry.  She knew the group date was coming up today and she wanted to make sure she got in a little extra alone time with him.

“I’m really enjoying my little secret dates with Jafar in the morning.  We are really building a great connection.”

“Why must I run into Anastasia nearly every morning.  It’s not the best way to start your day.”

Jafar went in search for a better start to the day and found it in Ursula’s room.

“Waking up to a makeout session with Jafar is definitely a great way to start your morning.”

“Making out with Ursula, ten times better then having to listen to Anastasia prat on and on.”

Unaware of what was going on upstairs the rest of the girls were hanging out by the pool trying to enjoy the breakfast Drizella had prepared.  They were excited that the group date was today.  They all wondered where they would be going.

“I hope we go to the beach today.   My tan has been suffering since I got here.”

“Drizella’s plan to make everyone too sick to go on the group date was perfect.  I took one bite of those eggs and I knew exactly what she was up to.  I’ve never been so proud.”

Little did Lady Tremaine know that Drizella didn’t have an evil master plan.  She was just a terrible cook.

“I couldn’t help but notice the girls not really eating the breakfast I made.  I guess it’s another thing to add to the list of things I mess up.”

“I’m starting to notice how different Drizella and Anastasia are.  Anastasia has this strange amount of confidence that she really shouldn’t have.  But then you have Drizella who doesn’t seem to have any confidence at all.  Lady Tremaine really did a number on those too.”

We haven’t checked in on Cruella in a while so let’s head on downstairs and she what’s she’s up to.

“How are my plans of revenge going…well they are kind of stalled right now.  I was working on it and everything when I started watching this show called Doctor Who.  Well turns out there was a marathon on that I got hooked.  I haven’t slept or showered in a day and a half.”

Ok maybe no more checking in on Cruella for a while.  Or at least until she showers.

It was time for the group date.  To Claudette’s disappointment the girls and Jafar weren’t going to the beach.  But they still might need their bathing suits.  Today the group date was at the new fusion bar, Drink or Swim.  This bar combined the tastiness of drinking with the fun of swimming.  Yeah we weren’t sure this was the best combination either as far as we know no ones been seriously hurt yet.  Let’s hope that stays that way on this date.  The group was excited when they arrived and eagerly went inside to check it out.  Everyone that is except Anastasia.  She top thought playing hard to get was the best way to Jafar’s heart.  Only she took it to mean completely ignoring him.  Her methods may not be working on Jafar but they seemed to be getting the attention of a handsome stranger.

“I read online that guys love it when you don’t give them the time of day.  I don’t really get how it works but if it’s on the internet it has to be true.”

Not only did this bar have a pool it also had tv’s that played old movies.  The movie they were playing happened to be one of Claudette’s favorites.  It was called Homeward Bound.  It was the story of three pets that get separated from their owners and have to journey across the country to find them again.  It was at the end when the pets finally make there way home.  It was also at the part that always made Claudette cry.

“It get’s me everytime.  I’m just so happy they make it back home.  Oh sorry spoiler alert.”

Drizella noticed that Anastasia was missing for the first half of the date.  When she finally found her she asked where had she been all this time.  She needed to make sure she got in some time with Jafar.  Anastasia told her how she had met a guy outside.  His name was Gustav and he was so cute.  Besides Anastasia told her she had gotten some alone time with Jafar earlier this morning and their relationship was solid.

“What is she doing meeting other guys??  She’s on a dating show for goodness sake.  Sometimes I just can’t with her.”

“I was outside ignoring Jafar like the internet told me to and then all of the sudden this really cute guy walks up to me and introduces himself.  Of course I’m all about Jafar, but my mother raised me not to be rude.”

The date was half way through and they still hadn’t tried out the swimming part of Drink or Swim.  Jafar made sure to change that.  He changed into his swimsuit and invited all the girls to join him for a swim.

“There’s nothing greater then being a bit tipsy, swimming around with a bunch or gorgeous ladies.”

“Jafar isn’t the most muscular men I’ve dated but that doesn’t mean he’s not fun to look at.  The lean look definitely works on him.  And those tattoos, I’ve never dated a guy with tattoos before.  They are so sexy.”

“I wonder if Gustav is still around.  What I just wanted to know if he likes to swim.”

It may have been a group date but that didn’t mean Jafar wasn’t able to sneak in some one on one time with Mal.  He continued to call her Mal even though she hated it.  Everytime he said it her nostrils would flare up and her eye would start to twitch a bit. But then he’d follow it up with some raunchy compliment and she was back to flirty eyes and a mischievous smile.


“I love seeing Maleficent get all frizzled everytime I call her Mal.  I wouldn’t usually use the word adorable when it comes to her but it’s the only way to describe it.”

“Oh I’m keeping count of everytime the name Mal comes out of his lips.  I intend to punish him thoroughly for it, hopefully on the overnight date.”

It seemed Jafar wasn’t going to be the only one punished.  Anastasia’s admirer looked to want to be more then just an admirer from far.  Jafar may not have romantic feelings for Anastasia yet but that didn’t mean he wanted someone else moving in on his territory.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw Anastasia chatting with some nobody loser.  I knew she wasn’t the smartest girl in the house but she couldn’t be that dumb.”

Not wanting to look like a fool on national television Jafar stepped in and asked to speak to Anastasia’s new friend privately.  Unfortunately the only private place in the bar was the unisex bathroom.

“I simply told that nothing what happens to people who play with my toys.  I never learned to share growing up and I wasn’t about to start now.  I’m pretty sure we won’t be seeing anymore of him. As for Anastasia, I’ll deal with her at home.”

“Did you see how jealous Jafar got when he saw me talking with Gustav.  I’ve never had two boys fighting over me.  I really like it.”

Claudette had been doing her business in one of the stalls and heard the whole exchange.  She could tell Jafar was riled up and hoped that she could help calm him down.

“There’s two sure fire ways I know that calms a man down, woohoo or a drink, sometimes both together work.  There’s was no way I wanted my first time with Jafar to be in some dirty public bathroom, been there done that.  So I suggested we get that drink.”

“I was so furious after yelling at that fool, that when I saw Claudette I just wanted to slam her against that bathroom door and ripe off what little clothes she had on.  Woohoo calms me down.  But then she offered me a drink and I decided that would probably be the better choice.  The slamming and ripping off clothes would come later with her, I’m sure of it.”

Of course Lady Tremaine caught Claudette and Jafar exiting the bathroom at the same time and could only jump to one conclusion.  She scolded Drizella for not thinking of it first.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that that blonde idiot was blowing more then just her hands dry in that bathroom if you catch my drift.  Why can’t I have daughters willing to do every and anything necessary to win this game.  I guess it’s time for me to do that something big I’ve been planning.”

“I can’t win with my mother!  No matter what I don’t do anything right.”

Drink or Swim was serving it’s last round of drinks and the lifeguards were getting of duty so the houseguests knew it was time to go home.  Everyone headed to bed and got ready for the next day which would be elimination day.

It was morning and we took the chance of checking on Cruella.  We fully expected to see her still sitting on the couch in her pajamas with stink lines forming around her.  Thankfully to our surprise she had gotten up from her permanent spot on the couch.  She still had her pajamas but it appeared she had showered.  We had added some additional things for Cruella to do while in seclusion, hoping to lure her away from the tv.  It seemed to have worked.

“Ugh when they got rid of the tenth doctor I was furious.  That show is dead to me now.  When I was getting up to go shower, I was starting to smell worse then the hounds after two weeks without a bath, I noticed the violins.  I don’t remember seeing them before.  I grew up playing for my daddy.  Picking up that bow reminded me of home.”

We’re happy to see Cruella up and about, but we have to disagree the ninth doctor was the best doctor.

Upstairs the house was getting ready for the day.  Jafar knew elimination day was stressful so he treated himself to a mud bath.  Granted it wasn’t stressful for him, he still didn’t care who went home.

“The one girl who I would truly be upset to go home this week has immunity.  So which ever lady has the misfortune of failing today won’t effect me at all.”

Jafar may not have been stressed but it was clear Anastasia was feeling the pressure of today.  As was her usual coping method she got angry and stormed around the house like a bat out of hell.

“I hate elimination days so much.  Why do I have to do stuff in this game?  Love isn’t about finding elements or punching stupid bags.  Shouldn’t having a deep connection with someone be enough to keep you in the house.”

I would agree with you there Anastasia but unfortunately you don’t have a deep connection so even that wouldn’t save you.

Jafar joined some of the girls for breakfast.  Despite it being elimination day most of the girls were in good spirits.  Even Anastasia perked up once she got some food in her.

“I really feel like I’m becoming friends with these girls in the house.  Granted most of them are closer to my mothers age then they are to me but a friend is a friend no matter how old they are.”

“Oh please I still can’t stand most of these girls, especially miss Susie sunshine Drizella.  I’m so freaking happy today because I’m safe.  Plus I get to see one of these bitches go home.  I’d say that makes for a great day!”

Lady Tremaine missed out on breakfast because she was napping in the hot tub.  I wonder if that was her big play she’s been going on about.

Maleficent was feeling pretty confident with her place in the house.  She knew that she still needed to not be the last to find an element to make sure she didn’t go home.  But she felt strongly that if somehow she were last Jafar would save her from being banished to the basement.

“Of course Jafar wouldn’t allow me to go home.  And if he did he wouldn’t live long enough for there to be an end to this competition.”

Ok Maleficent you’re getting scary and scary each week.  We are keeping our fingers crossed that you’re not eliminated.  We all like living too much.

The elimination challenge would be starting soon but Anastasia needed to get some fresh air.  Truth is she needed a private spot so she could call Gustav.  Apparently she had given him her number, stupid, and he had been texting her all night, even more stupid.  Since it’s only been texts and phonecalls and nothing psychical has happened she hasn’t breached her contract.  But we are keeping a close eye on her.  We didn’t want another Pooh Bear incident on our hands.

“Gustav just seems like he’d make a really good friend.  That’s all it is I promise.  I would never jeopardize what Jafar and I have.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah we’ve heard that before.  Remember we’re watching, always watching.

Jafar needed more distressing, though we had no idea why since he claimed to no care about today’s challenge.  Perhaps he too isn’t being completely truthful with us.  He took to the sauna to relax.  But relaxing was not what Lady Tremaine had in mind.  Remember the big plan, well let’s just say you may want to cover your eyes.

“I may be old but I’m still tight in all the right places.  I wanted to make sure Jafar knew that.”

“Oh dear god some things can not be unseen.  I didn’t know breasts were supposed to wrinkle like that.”

After Jafar’s little show in the sauna it was time for the elimination challenge.  Something tells us he may care a little bit more now about who goes home.

As we do each week the girls compete in an elimination challenge to decide who gets sent down to the basement.  The winner of the solo date has immunity and can not be sent home therefore she does not compete.  The remaining girls battle it out for their chance to stay in the house.  As you know this season the girls have been researching elements in order to cement their place in the competition.  The last girl to produce an element is out and will have a few minutes to say her goodbyes to Jafar before heading downstairs to join Cruella in the dungeon. We’ve gotten the ladies in their places and are ready to begin.

“I”m going to crush this as hard as I crushed this last week.  No worries here.”

“Everytime I looked over at Lady Tremaine all I could see was her grayish wrinkled skin….oh god I see it when I close my eyes too!”

“I’m done losing in the house I’m going to be the first one to find an element today.”

And she was, Drizella was the first to find her element and was safe another week in this house.  The question was would her sister and mother be as lucky?

“Stupid science….what do we need science for anyway…ugh!”

“After only showing Jafar what he could have it wouldn’t be fair of me to leave without him getting a chance to touch.”

It looks like Lady Tremaine will get that opportunity, she’s safe.  That leaves Anastasia, Maleficent and Claudette still in danger of going home.

“I told you I’m not going anywhere.”

With Maleficent finding her element that means we will be saying goodbye to either Anastasia or Claudette this week.

“I didn’t know what was happening.  How could it be down to me and Anastasia?  I only come off as the dumb blonde, she really is dumb.”

Well it seems this week Anastasia was a little smarter because she finally found her element.  This means that the person we are saying goodbye to this week is…

CLAUDETTE

“I lost.  I can’t believe I lost.”

Jafar true to his word didn’t seem that phased that Claudette was leaving.  He gave her a hug and was ready to send her on her way.

“I will definitely miss seeing Claduette traipsing around the house in that red lingerie but I get Victoria Secret so I’ll manage.”

Jafar was about to walk out when Claudette whispered something in his ear.  It was so low our microphones were unable to get it.  But whatever it was seemed to change Jafar’s opinion of Claudette leaving.

“What Claudette said to me is of no importance to you.  All I can say is a Victoria Secrets catalog will no longer replace her.”

Don’t worry we will scour the tapes and listen to the audio a million times so we can find out what Claudette told Jafar.  In the meantime we will still get to see her downstairs with Cruella so all you Claudette fans don’t be sad.  We have another great episode for you next week.  An unlikely couple forms, we are introduced to someone new and Jafar doesn’t spend the night alone in his room.  All that and much more are waiting for you next week.  Thanks for watching and have a good night!

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9 thoughts on “The Bachelor: Disney Villains Edition Ep.3 – Put Your Dukes Up

  1. What? You’re teasing us! I wanna know what happens next week! Hmf.

    Jafar is so funny. I love how ignorant all of these girls are. I’d like to see Lady Tremaine go home. I really don’t like her. She’s not even likeable evil like the others!

    And noo… *sniff* I really liked Claudette! And I want to hear what they said!

    *sings along* ‘Coz you know I’m all about that base, ’bout that base ’bout that base no treble…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I suddenly don’t feel so bad for Cruella anymore. I’d be quite happy if someone locked me in a basement to go on a Doctor Who marathon! (I’ve met Five, Six, and Seven, lovely people, all of them… Sylvestor McCoy in particular is an absolute joy of a man!)

    Yaaaaaaaaa, Ursula, quite appropriate challenge win! Always nice when a “character appropriate” win just happens to line up, heh (like Snow with that Corpse yoga pose!) Big beautiful ladies are my style… and as far as villainry, I think her and Maleficent are some of the nastiest Disney villains, bwahahaha. If ya know, villainry plays a factor here.

    All of the personality of the Tremaine household is really hysterical! I just love seeing how those three play off each other!

    Liked by 2 people

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